What Do We Say to Children and Young People in Times of Corona?

All the childcare, routines and freedom to leave the house as you’d like - which so many of us took for granted - have vanished. It’s problematic for many of us in multitudes of ways. Of course there are the adult issues of working from home in confined conditions, relationship pressures, occupying (and schooling) the children, not to mention getting basic supplies plus an abundance of health anxiety. Among all of this - I can’t help wonder how we are talking to our kids about it? How can we help them understand what’s happening without increasing their fear or causing them unnecessary distress?

Imagine being a 3 year old and suddenly all your friends ‘disappear’ - the activities you did every week have stopped and you can’t visit your relatives. Or a 10 year old used to a range of activities, socialising with friends, who is now confined to their home and back garden (if they’re lucky enough to have one of those). I can’t even begin to imagine how my 14 year old self would have handled this (but I do know it would NOT have been calmly or with quiet acceptance). This is a mind-boggling shift for our children and young people (as well as us) and we want to support our children and build our connections with them as much as possible. 

Some of your kids may not seem affected, some of your kids - particularly those more sensitive ones or neurodiverse - will be extremely obviously in states of distress, free-falling in a world of uncertainty and anxiety. Like adults, our children and young people will all be experiencing, feeling and sensing their way through this in their own way. Whatever their experience, there are some positive ways we can talk to them to create as much security, understanding and stability as possible. 

This time is - so very - challenging but we can use it as an opportunity to connect and support our kids, like any event, occasion or experience. Try these ideas out with your kids and they’ll help to support your mental health and wellbeing too (always the bonus with all the work we do at Reset School). And the beauty of mindset is - it doesn’t matter what you’ve been doing up to now, making a small shift can make a big difference.

Create space for their feelings 

Their feelings may be pushing through everything and you’re dealing with a whirling tornado of wild emotion (pretty much the scene in our house a fortnight ago). If we name our childrens’ feelings - whatever their age - they can begin to understand that they are not their feelings. They are not anger or happiness but they feel these things - feelings are things that pass. 

The great thing is we can do this when they are feeling positive, which can work to help lift our mood and experience, as we notice and acknowledge the good times. So we might say ‘you look happy reading that book’ or ‘going outside seems to make you feel calm’ as much as you might say ‘I can see you’re feeling angry’ or ‘I know it’s frustrating’. Mentioning the positive helps everybody because we want to swing our mental scales away from its natural bias for negativity.  

Even if your child seems totally fine, many children will be internalising a lot of questions or worries. Do you always talk about your deepest fears without being invited to do so? If we can foster the ability in our children to communicate and share their experience that sets them up for good mental health practices for life. If they are old enough to notice a change in their circumstances it’s worth engaging them in an age-appropriate dialogue around what’s happening, to facilitate openness and support them. This obviously is going to look very different with a two-year-old than with a sixteen-year-old but having the conversation is as equally important for both. 

If there’s no obvious ‘issue’ it can be tempting to ignore the situation because they’re ‘too young’ or ‘it’s better to protect them’ but if we look back to our own childhoods it doesn’t usually take long to remember a situation that confused and frightened us because it wasn’t explained in a way we could understand and we didn’t have anything like the coronavirus experience. 

Be open and as vulnerable as you can

This is connected to the above but it’s another layer that will support you and your kids, whatever age they are. Many of us were brought up to suppress our emotions, to ‘get on with it’ and carry on as best we can -  to be ‘strong’. Essentially, to ignore and suppress the vulnerable (or feeling) parts of ourselves. That’s not the same as emotional resilience, which is really important to build in all of us, not only in the kids. It’s particularly important at times of great upheaval (such as now) as it supports us to adapt and cope. 

So being open enough to allow your child to see you are vulnerable - that this massive swing in the way we have to live our lives is impacting you too - models for them that it’s okay to struggle as we adjust to a completely new lived experience. They don’t need us to have it all together, all of the time but they do need us to be alongside them, guiding, supporting and teaching them how to do this thing called Life. Take the pressure off trying to hold it all together, show that you are feeling things too and your child realises they are not alone in their experience. 

If you haven’t seen the Ted Talk by Brene Brown I highly recommend it. 

Avoid creating a scarcity mindset 

You might be having issues getting the foods you normally eat, that your kids love to have regularly. Or, you might be used to being on the beach, in the forest or at the playground a lot. Not to mention the swimming lessons, nursery, trips to the grandparents and holidays all put on hold. It’s - understandably - going to be difficult for your kid to accept, understand and adjust to this reality. 

It’s helpful (and hopeful) to be working with the assumption that we are returning to a situation where we can get the foods we prefer and are able to do the activities we like to do. So, stick to the ways you have always talked about food and activities as much as possible. If your kid is used to going in the cupboard and choosing what they want then let them - deal with the sadness and disappointment when that item runs out, rather than overloading them with the concept of scarcity by asking them to ration themselves. This is not the time - when so much has already been taken away from them - to try and teach delayed gratification to your young child. 

Likewise, if you are going out and about for your daily exercise with your kids, avoid saying ‘we only get a half hour’ or ‘we need to make the most of this’ - let your child be in that situation, allow them the space to play with stone on the pavement, let them feel expansive and spacious in that time. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t been speaking in this way so far but try it from today and your kid gets to keep the concept of limitless potential within the necessary restrictions of this time.  

Model that it’s possible to control the micro, not the macro and allow them to build a sense of autonomy 

I am not suggesting you abandon routine, although you might want to - for us, in our house, a structure of regular activities that happen in a particular order, which the day then hangs off is essential for our daughter’s security. You may not need that. 

But your child does need some autonomy. Give them choices where you can. For the little people: colours of cups and what order they do things in. For older kids give them some options about when their school work is going to happen or how much/how often they go online. You can still put some boundaries on this (I’d suggest it’s important to do so) but give them some credit to make some decision for themselves. A good book that explains this is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. 

This is particularly important for older children, especially teenagers, for many of whom, being stuck at home with only their parents and siblings is the worst possible scenario. Ever. They are neurologically wired to value their peer relationships more than their parental ones. We’ve all had our freedom taken away from us but it’s going to be a particularly sour experience for adolescents. Show them some empathy, connect with them and let them feel and experience the joy still present in the world. We don’t have a choice about much at the moment but we can choose how our kids remember this time - let’s make it one of connection.